Long Road Ahead

This post will be about just Brayden. Man it is has been such a rough few weeks with him. His behavior has been so out of control and I am so stressed. I feel so alone and so judged by everyone. I have such a hard time taking him anywhere. He doesn't understand things and him not being in control makes him tantrum. People at the park, the mall, the doctors office, anywhere he has an episode, make horrible remarks about my son and my parenting and it hurts. I try to ignore them and brush it off but it sticks with you. People can judge me all they want but when they start saying remarks like he is a bad kid and a brat then I tell them to mind their own business and leave. We try so hard to raise a well- balanced toddler but we have to deal with things that no one can understand unless they have had a child with Autism. People need to see with love and compassion and just freaking chill out!!

Well now that little self venting is over with I feel much better. We have been taking Brayden to a therapist but they can not fully diagnose until they are 4. We are so frustrated with doctors and therapists lately, we go into somebody new and they refer us to someone else, every time it costs a lot and we feel like we are just running in circles. We have decided that we will continue to do Kids On the Move Intervention Program and get more out of them, like more OT and classes when Brayden can cope with structure more. The program ends when he turns 3 which will be in November, then he will start going to a special preschool through the school district in January and we will have to find a specialist to come out after that. We want to start going to a new pediatrician who specializes in behavioral problems because we just aren't getting anything out of the one we have now. Whenever we go in it just makes more questions unresolved.

With how things have been and we are not seeing much improvement. I feel that Brayden has some form of Autism. Either high functioning or Aspergers. He has so many of the signs and traits, A part of me doesn't want to let go that he is just behind. It's a pretty strong feeling that I believe he is Autistic, we have decided that until he is 4 and we can get the proper diagnostic and we will know for sure by then. We are saying he has Autism. A part of me still hopes that between now and then he will suddenly catch on and just take off and not be Autistic. I guess only time will tell. Yes I am grieving and it is hard to deal with as a mom. I blame myself everyday, my seizure medications, could have been the reason, but I wouldn't have my boys here without them and its not proven. Everyone tells me not to blame myself but I do. I do not blame vaccines. This is completely my opinion. Vaccines are more good than harmful and their is no proof that leads them to Autism.

I have to say that I have had hard time this past week just finding my patience to handle Brayden. I call my mom everyday in tears just to break away to reality for 5 minutes. I am constantly on a emotional roller coaster with this boy. He does not understand things, that is our biggest problem. He doesn't understand that I can not wrestle with him at that very second because I am changing brothers diaper but if he would wait a minute I would. He doesn't understand that pushing brother is not nice or acceptable. He doesn't understand if he holds still he will get a treat. Autism is so hard to try and understand. I know that he thinks more simple than I do, he is only 2 after all. I know he doesn't understand things and it frustrates him and me. I know when he catches on to talking it will make it just a little more easy. I know he doesn't understand and that's why I need to change how I go about things. I need to be more patient and try to see where he is coming from and I need to be the mom that he needs and depends on me to be. The understanding needs to come from me first before he can. I know he will learn and just grow. I just want it fixed now, its hard for me to see kids younger than him just talking away and socializing. I want that so bad. I know I shouldn't compare but every mom does it and I have gotten better about it. Once I understand him better then I can adapt and make it easier for him.

He is such a stinking goober! I love everything about this little man, I love that he is a wild man who runs, not walks, everywhere and watches the Christmas Mickey Mouse 50 times a day (yes that does get annoying) I love his contagious smile. He will run up to any adult and grab their hand forand make them  chase him and give them that beautiful full of love and innocence smile. I love that he loves his Daddy so much and wants him to kiss him and tickle him. He is so smart when it comes to the iphone matching games and the iphone in general. I think he may know it better than mommy now. We will be selling them at the end of this month though and getting regular phones so the money we save will go to an Ipad. He response very well to anything electronic. I love that he still needs me to cuddle him a few times a day. He will climb on my lab and make me put my arms around him. I love being his mom and I would not change any thing about him. He is my Brayden, yes he is very very stubborn and more work than you will ever know. He is my flesh and blood, he is my son and nothing can change that. It is a struggle everyday to work with him but I know things will get easier for me and him.  yes I will have bad days and question my motherhood, I will cry, get frustrated that's to be expected. I just have to take it one day at a time and try and make everyday a serenity for my little boy.

Thank you to my friends and neighbors who have helped and giving me kind words of encouragement. They help me so much. Thanks to my husband who puts up with me and works by my side to help with Brayden, he is a amazing father, most men can not cope or handle a child with Autism, But he handles him so well and understands him better than I do. No words can describe how much he means to me. Braydens problems has brought us closer together and yes it is hard on our marriage but we have come together more and will never give up on him! I hope that I can be a help to someone someday that will be going through the same things as I have. I wish I had someone to walk me through it and just explain how all this works. It is so complex and confusing and you feel emotions that others just don't understand. I want others to know that if I can do it, so can you and what you are thinking, feeling, questions you have are all normal. You do not have a normal child, you have to adapt and change your ways and it is really hard to do. I hope that someday others could stop judging and just accept things the way the are with open arms and a smile!

Our Journey through Autism is just beginning and yes we have a long, rough, wonderful road ahead of us!!

April Showers bring on the Flowers

So I am trying to turn my blog into a journal device since I truly Suck at keeping a journal and have a horrible memory, so this Team Morton Blog is really a tool for me to remember the precious time I have with my family and I am not going to "Sugar Coat" it. If its TMI for you , don't read it :) On a happy note I like reading other's blogs and keeping up with other families. Technology sure is wonderful!

March: Just a update on this past month. Team Morton had another rough sick month. My children are cursed with my weak immune system, sorry boys. Brayden had a fever of 105 for 5 days at the beginning of this month. My poor baby was miserable laying on the couch cuddling with his Pluto pillow. Horrible body aches that he would just whine and little tears would trickle down his face. Totally broke mommas heart. We kept having to take him outside to cool him off cause we really didn't want to take him to the ER if it got to 106. I would rather deal with pneumonia then that high of a fever. Sadly on the 4th day he just wouldn't stop crying no matter how much I held him, tried to distract him, he cried for a straight hour, as I was holding him trying to comfort him, his eyes rolled into the back of head and his little body started convulsing in my arms. I knew he was having a seizure and held him tight. It only lasted for about 30 seconds and he woke up a few seconds later, really out of it just looking at me. I called Josh and he came home right away and we took him to the doctors. Thank my lucky stars Jordan was taking a nap. Brayden was still crying and not walking by the time we got to the doctors office. After some simple tests and cuddle time with daddy he started feeling better and started walking again. It is a very difficult thing to watch, as a mother, your baby have a seizure cause there is absolutely nothing you can do to. Sadly this wasn't the first time he has had a seizure. When he was 10 months old, we just moved to Utah and he got super sick and was hospitalized for 2 days for dehydration and had 2 seizures. They are called febrile seizures. The cause is high fever. We took him home and showered him with love and snuggles. The next day he fever was gone and he was running around like a mad man again, little stinker. Also this month all 4 of this 4 year molars started coming in, so I have been dealing with a cranky little punk! :) Brayden also started Occupational therapy this month to help with some of his sensory issues with food and his super high energy. This kid doesn't eat... it is the most frustrating thing ever!!! We did see a specialist for Autism this month but you can't really diagnose full Autism until they are 4, so we are just getting the documents in order so we can get him more help with the intervention program and when he starts preschool he will be going to a special one that fits his needs. He has said a few new words this month like, bye bye, oh no, and balloon. Only once though and can't get him to say them again. But he is pointing at things he wants now, so that is huge progress for him. Its silly how something so little can make such a huge difference and I know he is at the level of a 15 month old and can be extremely frustrating at times but I am happy for his little steps, it makes me appreciate them more.

Brayden super sick and snuggling with Pluto

Jordan turned 7 months old this month!! The poor thing can not catch a break on being sick though. The first two weeks he was teething super bad and not sleeping, never wanted to be put down and just plain grumpy. His two bottom teeth finally came and he still had a very runny nose and congestion and a fever. So I took him in on a Friday and found out he had a bad sinus infection so he was put on a antibiotic. Such a rough weekend, he would wake up every hour just screaming and screaming, Josh and I would take turns walking around with him, singing and nothing calmed him down. He was the same during the day too. By Wednesday I had enough and took him back in and found out he had a bad ear infection along with his sinus infection. He was put on a stronger different antibiotic and around the 4th day he was finally the happy boy that mommy had missed SO much. Brayden has never had an ear infection ever, so I was blown away when I found out Joey had one!! People say that bottle fed babies are more likely to have ear infections and he was all bottle. Jordan won't take a bottle and is all breastfed. Total opposite of the statics.. of course my kids are. haha He finally started feeling better and randomly he started tugging at his ears the past few days and not sleeping again, I took him in yesterday and his stupid ear infection never went away and came back worse!!! My poor poor baby. So we are on a even stronger antibiotic and if it doesn't go away in 10 days then he has to have a big nasty shot. If it still not gone, then he will most likely get tubes and get it drained :( I really hope it doesn't have to come to that. Also he lost 3 pounds and just wouldn't eat so I lost my milk supply even though I pumped, and he won't take a bottle but loves his sippy cup, so I can't nurse anymore and when I gave him his first "bottle" I cried and cried and cried. I wasn't ready to let go of that bond just yet. My tubes are now tied and I will not be having another child of my own and it really just hit me super hard. In the future we are planning on doing Foster Care because my mission as a new mom just isn't finished yet.

my Happy boys

On a happier note on April 4, 2013 he started crawling today!! EEKKK I could tell a few weeks ago that he was getting so close and I thought by 8 months he would be, but not this soon the little stinker!! Time to put up the gates, Brayden is not going to like that. Joey loves loves his brother and tries to "get" him all the time and just watches every thing he does and smiles when he does something silly. Brayden is finally warming up to him since he is getting more mobile and on his terms he will pick him up and try to wrestle with him, cutest thing ever. They both love it when daddy holds Joey and chases Brayden around the house and puts Joeys butt in Braydens face...Boys. We have discovered that Jordan is pretty shy even to daddy. If I am holding him Josh will say Hi and he will hide his face in my shoulder smiling of course. He will go to him without a fuss though. My mom came one weekend and took a while for him to warm up to her. I gave him to her and he did a huge sad face and started crying every time, till he warmed up and let her hold him but kept a eye on me. Totally opposite of Brayden who went and still goes to anybody, it's so funny how different they are. Jordan is 16 pounds and 28 inches long. Such a long boy. His favorite things are his froggy's that he sleeps with and music, music, anything with music just makes him so happy. Yes pulling himself up on everything like the couch, slide, side of his crib, everything!!  He loves to play with cups and balls. Brother has a few different size balls and Joey gets all excited when he sees one and picks it up puts it in his mouth then kind of throws it and then repeat. Even if it is like 3x his size he still trys to pick it up. He has cute blond hair and looks so much like daddy. He has beautiful blue blue eyes and long long eyelashes that EVERYONE comments on. He is growing up so fast and I just want it to slow down but I love seeing him reach all those little milestones. He is my cuddle bug and I just can't get enough of his smile.

Not much went on with me and Josh this month. I was sick on Easter with the flu but made the best of it. The boys got their Easter baskets and did a small Easter egg hunt in our backyard for Brayden while Joey chilled on the blanket and we enjoyed the warm weather. Brayden got a little soccer ball that he loves to throw and kick around with dad. I can't wait to be a "Soccer Mom" Josh and I both are going to coach they boys teams when they are old enough and I can't wait!! My Parents are coming up the first weekend of April to spend some time with us and Josh's parents are coming up at the end of the month to visit, we haven't seen them since January so they haven't seen us in a while but we are looking forward to have some family time this month! We are going to start on our garden boxes soon and doing our flowers and roses in the front yard and getting the lawn ready for some spring and summer fun! Also I got a bike and a carrier that hooks on the back that both boys can fit into so we can go on bike rides.  I am so happy that March is finally over and I want some freaking warm weather so I can take the boys to the park more and do bubbles and coloring and setting up the pool and just getting out of this House!!!

Happy Easter! And Spring!!!