Long Road Ahead

This post will be about just Brayden. Man it is has been such a rough few weeks with him. His behavior has been so out of control and I am so stressed. I feel so alone and so judged by everyone. I have such a hard time taking him anywhere. He doesn't understand things and him not being in control makes him tantrum. People at the park, the mall, the doctors office, anywhere he has an episode, make horrible remarks about my son and my parenting and it hurts. I try to ignore them and brush it off but it sticks with you. People can judge me all they want but when they start saying remarks like he is a bad kid and a brat then I tell them to mind their own business and leave. We try so hard to raise a well- balanced toddler but we have to deal with things that no one can understand unless they have had a child with Autism. People need to see with love and compassion and just freaking chill out!!

Well now that little self venting is over with I feel much better. We have been taking Brayden to a therapist but they can not fully diagnose until they are 4. We are so frustrated with doctors and therapists lately, we go into somebody new and they refer us to someone else, every time it costs a lot and we feel like we are just running in circles. We have decided that we will continue to do Kids On the Move Intervention Program and get more out of them, like more OT and classes when Brayden can cope with structure more. The program ends when he turns 3 which will be in November, then he will start going to a special preschool through the school district in January and we will have to find a specialist to come out after that. We want to start going to a new pediatrician who specializes in behavioral problems because we just aren't getting anything out of the one we have now. Whenever we go in it just makes more questions unresolved.

With how things have been and we are not seeing much improvement. I feel that Brayden has some form of Autism. Either high functioning or Aspergers. He has so many of the signs and traits, A part of me doesn't want to let go that he is just behind. It's a pretty strong feeling that I believe he is Autistic, we have decided that until he is 4 and we can get the proper diagnostic and we will know for sure by then. We are saying he has Autism. A part of me still hopes that between now and then he will suddenly catch on and just take off and not be Autistic. I guess only time will tell. Yes I am grieving and it is hard to deal with as a mom. I blame myself everyday, my seizure medications, could have been the reason, but I wouldn't have my boys here without them and its not proven. Everyone tells me not to blame myself but I do. I do not blame vaccines. This is completely my opinion. Vaccines are more good than harmful and their is no proof that leads them to Autism.

I have to say that I have had hard time this past week just finding my patience to handle Brayden. I call my mom everyday in tears just to break away to reality for 5 minutes. I am constantly on a emotional roller coaster with this boy. He does not understand things, that is our biggest problem. He doesn't understand that I can not wrestle with him at that very second because I am changing brothers diaper but if he would wait a minute I would. He doesn't understand that pushing brother is not nice or acceptable. He doesn't understand if he holds still he will get a treat. Autism is so hard to try and understand. I know that he thinks more simple than I do, he is only 2 after all. I know he doesn't understand things and it frustrates him and me. I know when he catches on to talking it will make it just a little more easy. I know he doesn't understand and that's why I need to change how I go about things. I need to be more patient and try to see where he is coming from and I need to be the mom that he needs and depends on me to be. The understanding needs to come from me first before he can. I know he will learn and just grow. I just want it fixed now, its hard for me to see kids younger than him just talking away and socializing. I want that so bad. I know I shouldn't compare but every mom does it and I have gotten better about it. Once I understand him better then I can adapt and make it easier for him.

He is such a stinking goober! I love everything about this little man, I love that he is a wild man who runs, not walks, everywhere and watches the Christmas Mickey Mouse 50 times a day (yes that does get annoying) I love his contagious smile. He will run up to any adult and grab their hand forand make them  chase him and give them that beautiful full of love and innocence smile. I love that he loves his Daddy so much and wants him to kiss him and tickle him. He is so smart when it comes to the iphone matching games and the iphone in general. I think he may know it better than mommy now. We will be selling them at the end of this month though and getting regular phones so the money we save will go to an Ipad. He response very well to anything electronic. I love that he still needs me to cuddle him a few times a day. He will climb on my lab and make me put my arms around him. I love being his mom and I would not change any thing about him. He is my Brayden, yes he is very very stubborn and more work than you will ever know. He is my flesh and blood, he is my son and nothing can change that. It is a struggle everyday to work with him but I know things will get easier for me and him.  yes I will have bad days and question my motherhood, I will cry, get frustrated that's to be expected. I just have to take it one day at a time and try and make everyday a serenity for my little boy.

Thank you to my friends and neighbors who have helped and giving me kind words of encouragement. They help me so much. Thanks to my husband who puts up with me and works by my side to help with Brayden, he is a amazing father, most men can not cope or handle a child with Autism, But he handles him so well and understands him better than I do. No words can describe how much he means to me. Braydens problems has brought us closer together and yes it is hard on our marriage but we have come together more and will never give up on him! I hope that I can be a help to someone someday that will be going through the same things as I have. I wish I had someone to walk me through it and just explain how all this works. It is so complex and confusing and you feel emotions that others just don't understand. I want others to know that if I can do it, so can you and what you are thinking, feeling, questions you have are all normal. You do not have a normal child, you have to adapt and change your ways and it is really hard to do. I hope that someday others could stop judging and just accept things the way the are with open arms and a smile!

Our Journey through Autism is just beginning and yes we have a long, rough, wonderful road ahead of us!!