Heartbreak

On September 11, 2013 I got the biggest shock of my life. I have been having irregular cycles for the past few months. Bleeding heavily and every 2 weeks. I made an appointment with my GYN. I took both boys with me because I figured it would be quick trip and they were going to do birth control or something to regulate me. I did the standard peeing in a cup testing and blood work and normal stuff. I am sitting on the chair trying to wrangle up my boys from destroying the room and the nurse walks in and quietly says to the doctor, she is pregnant......

I barley over heard them and literally screamed WHAT!?! Those are words I NEVER thought I would hear again... I had my tubes tied when I had Joey. She sent me down the get a ultra sound immediately. I felt like I was in a dream, I was in shock. The nurses helped me get the boys down into the ultra sound room. I kept thinking what no way, not me, it's impossible. They proceeded with the ultrasound and found out the baby was already gone and I had already miscarried. The baby had no chance from the beginning, I was maybe 3-4 weeks along. That's when it finally hit me and I just started sobbing and bawling. This is very hard for me to write this post. I have been struggling since I had Jordan. I want another baby but my body can not handle another pregnancy again, it would kill me and my baby. I was finally coming to terms with myself that I made the right choice of getting my tubes tied. I was accepting that there was no chance of carrying another child. That we will adopt when the time was right. All those feelings just came rushing back to me. Then BAM 1 out of 2,000 people get pregnant after having their tubes tied. I kept staring at the screen and wishing their was a heartbeat.

This might sound weird but it was like my boys knew. During this whole time they were angels, Brayden was keeping Joey entertained and patting his back when he cried. They both were quiet and very well behaved and listened to me. Brayden was giving me kisses on the cheek and kept looking at me like he knew why I was hurting but telling me it was ok, without using his words. It was like they knew that mommy was hurting from loseing their sibling.

After the ultra sound I talked to the doc for a while and they said that I am miscarrying naturally and my body is cleaning it out very well but gave me some meds to help clean me out more. I had to come back in the next few days to get another ultrasound to make sure everything is going well and do some biopsys and stuff to make sure I don't have an infection.

We get to the car and I had to call Josh and tell him the news. I told him the story and kept saying I swear I am not kidding and just cried but couldn't keep him too long on the phone because he was at work. After I called him he said that he stayed in the parking lot for awhile in complete shock. The drive home I really don't remember. I just felt empty and sad. We got home and I was pretty distracted with the boys to really think about it. I am lucky that my boys kept me busy enough to get through the rest of the day. Josh came home and we held eachother. After the boys were finally in bed, we had a heart to heart of what happened. We know that It just wasn't meant to be but what a miracle it was just to have it happen. Our hearts ache for another baby, and this whole ordeal felt like a slap in the face. We just moved past that I can not get pregnant again and that we will take a baby into our home someday and love it like our own. Just having that little hope that I could get pregnant again just have put me into a whirlwind of emotions.

I have felt heartache and pain in my life, but nothing compares to how I have been feeling this past week. Yes I keep busy with my boys and life but every night when I finally calm down and try to sleep, I just cry and cry. It hurts so bad knowing that I lost my baby. I get mad at myself and my body that it can not carry a child again. I hurt because I see how much it hurts my husband and best friend. I feel empty and lost. If I didn't have my boys, I don't know how I would handle it. They are the reason I get out of bed every morning, they are the only things that make me smile and I love them unconditionally. I know that time heals all wounds, I am just taking things one day at a time. My baby was too perfect for this world and is looking down on our family from heaven. Our child was meant to be our Guardian Angel.